Daydreams of a Troubled Mind
by VocalRaynbow
Summary: Every night, and sometimes day, she dreamed of her own beautiful flower. One who was pure and untainted, and belonged only to her. But life is not kind to those who dream.
1. Raindrops on a Frosted Windshield

AN;; Yeah, this is a new story. I'm not really sure where it came from, or where it's going, but I think the ride's going to be fun. Feel free to review, or not, at any time. Thanks for taking the time to read this!

The room was loud. Full to bursting of noise and energy. A stereo blasted music that shook the building with the strength of its deep beat. The lights were low and the people were drunk and the air was dripping with energy and atmosphere. She stood in the corner, arms folded over her chest. They did this, presumably, to drown out the troubles and conflicts of life. To drown it all in mindless pleasure and numb it. It was interesting, how stressful and bothersome life had become for such people. She stifled an odd sort of grin.

Breathing deeply, Sonika tossed her glass. It was innocuous, simple water, unlike the bitter, sleepy syrups that lined the tables. She didn't need them, unlike the others attending the party. The glass hit the wall and shattered, spilling water all over. Yet, no one seemed to notice. The music was too loud. The lights were too low. The people were too drunk. The air was too thick. Sonika sniffed, and turned around to leave.

Looked like she wasn't there either.

No familiar green hair greeted Sonika's tired eyes. No gentle smile. She didn't know anymore, why she always expected the girl to just "pop up". It was silly. And she had always thought of herself as more of a sensible person. Of course, with everything now, she couldn't much think that anymore. That itself would be silly.

Really, by all accounts, she was absolutely nuts.

Sonika spun on her heel, and turned the doorknob that jutted out behind her. Fingers pale and bony, trembling. She needed proper sleep. But did she want it? That would mean giving up her meetings with that little flower. Every night, and sometimes during the day too, she would drift off. Only to find herself in a separate place. A dream world. A place where everything was beautiful and nothing ever hurt. She sometimes went there as a child, played with the deer and the fairies and the mermaids. Watched the clouds as they rolled across the sky.

And two years ago, she had forced herself to go there again. Sick of routine, the stresses and dirty truths of everyday life, she had tricked herself into falling back into those childish fantasies. Instead of playing with make believe creatures, though, she opted to explore the forest. It wasn't dark, old, moist, like the forests she had always known. Light filtered through the light green leaves in the familiar looking trees, and there were flowers. In that place, it was always spring. Everything was always blossoming and full to bursting of life.

And every time, she fell in love.

After a few minutes, Sonika realized that she had gotten lost. This troubled her, however silly. What if she couldn't get back to the real world, now? What if she couldn't find her way back to reality? What if she was really lost? But then all of her thoughts ceased. Her breath seemed to catch in her throat. She had come upon a clearing, and sitting in the center was...

An angel.

No, that's silly. She wasn't an _angel_. There's no such thing. She was simply lovely. Incredibly so, with her gentle green-yellow hair and pure skin. Not pale and ghostly, like her own, but fresh and full of life and warmth. Her eyes danced with the colors and sights of the wondrous place, flitting about eagerly as if drinking it all up.

From the flower's lips came a melody. One unlike any other Sonika had heard. It wasn't loud and blaring, like the sort of thing one might hear on the radio. There was no beat or guitar, no keyboard. But each note was delicate, new, like gentle raindrops on her ears. She stood silently in the shadow of a tree, listening. Could something so perfect actually be possible?

When she was a child, she had loved watching the flowers outside her bedroom window. They were weeds, but she thought them beautiful things. Every year for a while, she watched them bloom. The sensation was rather similar. Sonika felt as if she was looking at something precious and fragile, something that had to be protected at all costs.

"Huhm? Who're you?"

Damn, she'd been seen. Sonika panicked, unsure of whether to creep back into the shadows or fully reveal herself. She was stuck, frozen in place. Like a deer in headlights. Mind blank, eyes wide, form stiff and waiting.

"It's okay," the girl whispered, "I'm not going to hurt you."

Privately, Sonika felt that the opposite was much more likely. But there was really no turning back at that point. She cursed herself for not acting fast enough, and slowly emerged from the brush. Her skin, she supposed, looked paler than ever. It didn't really matter. Somehow, she doubted the girl would care.

Sonika stood, in her loose yellow top that boasted her cleavage and her almost legging like black pants. In her necklaces and bracelets and mascara and lipstick. She had never felt so self-conscious, next to this girl, who wore simple, frilly shirts and skirts. Who didn't put a thing on her face and probably never would. If that was so, then why was she so lovely? So _beautiful_?

"It's nice to meet you," the little flower said. Her voice was so gentle and warm. "I'm Gumi. Would you like to sit down?" Sit...down? With her? Cautiously, Sonika bent her knees to sit a few feet away. But the girl only laughed. Not unkindly; it was what Sonika assumed to be her usual: a soft, dreamy little giggle. "No, silly. Next to me." Gumi patted her hand on the grass right beside her, and Sonika felt her cheeks grow warm.

Once the two were properly seated, Gumi continued to speak. "I guess you're new? It's always fun getting new people. Usually they're kids, of course, but someone older is nice too! Would you like some tea?" Sonika did not move as she went on, merely stared at the grass as Gumi poured her a cup without waiting for a reply. "Uhh, maybe you don't speak English? Oh gosh..."

At this, her gaze darted up. "I can speak fine, thank you." Her tone was cold, biting. She didn't _mean_ for it to be. She watched the girl retract and murmur awkward apologies. "I'm not new, either. I used to come here when _I_ was a kid. I'm twenty-two, y'know."

Gumi brightened at once. "Oh! I, wow. That's really fun. I guess I'm nineteen, hehe. Age never mattered much to me." Sonika looked at her with hard eyes, but all she found were rosy, freckled cheeks and a sweet smile.

"So, there are others...?"

"Yeah, sure!" The girl waved it off, grinning. "Umm, there was Jackie, and Mina, and Len... All really nice people. They don't really come here anymore, though. Usually they stop coming after they reach eight."

"Why?"

"Well, that's when puberty and society get to them! Sad, isn't it? I wish they could stay fun kids forever."

At that, Sonika felt her existence crumbling. Her thoughts disintegrating. She was heading back for reality, but she wanted it to stay. She wanted that sweet, warm feeling in her stomach to remain. But good things must always end, lest they become troublesome and tiring. It is a fact of life.

Sonika stood on the empty street, remembering. Lost in her rambling thoughts. Her gold lips curved into a crooked sort of smile. The girl's sweet face was still fresh and new in her mind. Yes, tonight she would see her again too.

Addiction is such a powerful thing.


	2. A Catalogue of Firsts and Lasts

AN;; I'm sorry this is a bit late! My internet has been going in and out, so it's been difficult. I'm honestly not in love with this chapter, but it tells what it needs to tell. And then some, which is why it's not great. I had been meaning to save some things in here for later. Ah, well. Such is life, no? c;

It was a year before she fell in love.

Sonika visited Gumi every day, within that clearing in the beautiful world where the sky was always blue, the grass was always green, and the water lapped cool and fresh at your feet. Some nights, it rained. But rain in that place wasn't dreary and dank. It was refreshing, bathed the land anew. Giving life and energy to everything. It was on one of these nights that Sonika transitioned into this world with a different sort of feeling. There was a knot in her throat, a hesitation. Perhaps she shouldn't go.

But, of course, Sonika went _every_ night. Without fail.

Gumi greeted her when she arrived, which was odd. The girl had a coat laid about her shoulders, but it was meaningless; she was soaked through anyway. It seemed she had been waiting. "Sonika! Oh gosh, you're here. Aren't you a bit late?"

She bit back a biting remark, and replied honestly, "I guess, yeah. I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd be waiting." Her own clothes were beginning to stick to her as well, and her green hair clung to the sides of her face. There wasn't any shelter in this world, though, so she'd simply have to wait the storm out. It was more violent than most.

Gumi gave such a warm smile then, which stopped Sonika's thoughts in their tracks. Her rosy, freckled cheeks were pushed upward a bit by the force of it, and her eyes seemed to twinkle a bit. "It's OK," she said softly. "I don't really mind. You're here now, right?" She reached out and touched Sonika with her gentle little hands, grasping at the wet cloth. It was enough to send a slight shiver down her spine, which she tried her hardest to suppress. There was no need to bring things out of proportion. Gumi was a nice friend, a sweet girl. Quite lovely, too.

That is what she told herself, until the girl brought her into a quiet embrace. It was very slight, and the little hands were so gingerly touching her back. The rain, which steadily tattooed her bare arms, was at the very back of her mind. At the front was simply Gumi. When had the girl's touches started feeling like _this_? She had always preferred women, yes, but she had thought Gumi was _different_. The girl was outside of that, was in another category altogether.

Maybe she had been right. Just, not in the way she had thought. This was, after all, the first time she had felt quite like this.

The flower's barely audible whisper brought her back to reality. "I'm cold."

"Are you, now? I wasn't aware of my new status as a human radiator. Do forgive me."

The grin Gumi gave her then was the best thing she had ever seen.

After that, things began to calm down. They would speak in simple, lighthearted tones, sipping tea and watching the butterflies dance or the roses come into bloom. Sometimes, though, they abandoned such casualties and become more intimate. They would come closer, just to breathe each others' scents. Just to feel each others' warmth.

It was about a month after that rainy day when Sonika leaned down to look into Gumi's eyes. They were chocolate, cinnamon, brown and creamy. Round and bright and always sparkling. It was as if she had never really grown up. Gumi said she was nineteen then (now twenty, she supposed), but she didn't look or act it in the least. She was pure, untainted. A dew drop undisturbed. She felt herself unconsciously leaning forward, eyelids growing steadily heavier. Perhaps, just a taste. It couldn't hurt.

That was their first kiss together. Gumi's first overall, but not Sonika's. She had kissed, but it hadn't felt like that. It was just "lips against lips", really, so why did her heart catch in her throat? Why did it taste so, and why did it leave her hungering for more? Such a curious thing.

Gumi gasped for breath afterward, blushing profusely and smiling. "Hey, don't spring on me like that..." she choked out, clutching her chest. It was so charming, the way her figure curved so naturally and comfortably. The way the light danced on her eyes and made her hair glow. Sonika loved it, loved her. Loved every part of her.

In the real world, Sonika moved out and got a job. It was a small thing, didn't provide much money or invade her personal time. This was why she liked it. Any free time she had was spent, of course, sleeping. So that she could see Gumi, could touch her and talk to her and believe she was real.

Things weren't good, but they weren't terrible either. Her family (or rather, what was left of it) wasn't talking to her and she didn't have any friends or people of note to speak of. She should have been miserable, but she wasn't. She should have been breaking and struggling, but she wasn't.

A couple of years ago, Sonika had stood on that same street at that same time. 2:30 in the morning. She was in a haze, stumbling over herself just to get home. She was completely drunk. Back then, she had embraced the sleepy liquids. Had appreciated their numbing properties. She wobbled back to her parents' house and found them open and willing to talk. Because a breakup is a normal problem. Her choice of how to deal with it maybe wasn't the best, but it was at least understandable. It was fairly normal.

Her mother had given her a hug, had comforted her in her daze. Her fiancee had cheated on her. It hadn't really bothered her, but she brought on the pain anyway. That was the expected reaction. She went into hysterics. She called the relationship off. She made it into some sort of big thing when, really, she didn't give a damn. The only reason Sonika went off drinking that night was because she had wanted to numb the lie. She hadn't fully realized it at the time, but it was all one big game she was playing. Jumping when others thought she might want to, and laying still when that was considered proper. It was tiring, exhausting. It drained her completely, and she wished that it didn't have to be like that.

Such is life, though.

Sonika stood on that street, two years later, reflecting. Cars never came on this road this late; it was deserted. There were no people, no lights in the windows. She walked in what seemed to be a ghost town. Every sensible person was sleeping their troubles and exhaustion away. She would be sleeping as well, soon, though not for the same reason they were. She would see her darling and drink in the lights of paradise with her eyes. Tonight, she would once again be happy.

The only place she was ever happy was in her dreams. The only place she could ever truly belong and not have to paint herself a mask of porcelain and clay. She gave a smile, though not a happy one, and ran a hand through her short dark green hair. She had dyed it when she turned fourteen, and had kept dying it since. There was a bit of wave to it. She would have to straighten it, she supposed. Her right hoop earring clinked when her too pale hand brushed by it, swinging back and forth from the force.

Sonika continued to walk, heels clicking against asphalt. It was only a block to her apartment. There, she would sleep. She would sleep and reawaken in her favorite place. Her personal paradise.

The door opened with a click.

Pulling off her top, her too tight jeans, her jewelry and heels.

Falling onto her sleeping bag...

falling...

falling

For the first time in over a year and a half, she fell into a dream.


	3. Nightmares and Daydreams

AN;; This chapter is...incredibly late. I feel just awful about it. I fell into this low period and I just didn't feel like writing at all. Seeing that review, though, brought back my want to get this out there. So I sat down and finished it, finally. Thank you so much to Major Mike Powell III, and all the others that read this story. I really appreciate it. More than I could even begin to express. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

It was hot and it was cold. Her skin hurt with the bitterness of it, ached. Stung. It blistered and bubbled and numbed. She was falling, too, falling through such a blackness. It was so freezing and searing and, damn, it _hurt_. It hurt like nothing she had ever felt before, such a horrible pain. Made her mind ring and the thoughts, the thoughts that were burning, push and push at her skull. Clamoring to get free, to escape such a fate. She wanted to scream, to reach out into the void. Call out for help. But her eyes were screwed shut (though, somehow, she could see?) and her mind would not cooperate. Her voice would not function. Her lungs would not take in oxygen. But then, there was none.

She wanted to scream and rip and tear the place apart, just to escape. Just to get out of this hell. But she wouldn't stop falling, couldn't read solid ground. There was no light shining through the clouds. There were no clouds. There was nothing but her own self, and that would be gone soon too. Yes, she would burn and burn away into ashes, and then they too would burn away. And then there would be nothing left at all.

She would become just like all the others she knew. Nothing.

Nothing because she was just another carbon copy, another clone. Another meaningless person meandering her way through life. Not really mattering, not really doing anything. Just existing by the standards of everyday life. And she was falling, falling, faster toward that fate. Burning away like the feeblest of candles. But what else was she to do?

Fight it?

Did she truly want to be just like them? To speak when expected and say what's proper. To keep on pretending, to keep this mask. She was accepted, sure. Maybe not well-liked, but accepted. And, wasn't that easy? Wasn't that grand? Wasn't it just dandy to be average, to be normal? But she wasn't normal, was she? No... And it didn't make her _happy_ to act in such a way. Though, even when she had acted naturally, she hadn't been very happy. Treated like some sort of strange wild animal. And because she was weak, because she _trusted_ and didn't know any better, they tamed her and molded her into...

This.

This stupid cowardly excuse for a person. She had never been strong, but this was pathetic. What she was was pathetic and she hated it. A disgrace. She was a disgrace and downright pitiable. That is, if she even deserved any pity at that point. Disgusting. Was it even possible to go back? Was it possible to undo corruption? To purify and cleanse herself of all of that. To undo the damage. If it was, god, she wanted it. She wanted more than anything to be...

Something unlike her present self. Something true.

And then everything was light again. Instead of black, there was blue and green and pink and yellow and cream. Instead of cold, it was so very warm. She could breathe. She could see. The grass was so soft on her back, as she lay there.

"S-Sonika..." came that sweet voice.

Gumi was there, hovering over her. She looked concerned, eyebrows furrowed in worry. Her rosebud lips pouted unnaturally. "Are you OK?" she said. It was then that Sonika realized that she was propped unceremoniously on the girl's lap, and that Gumi's little fingers were gently playing with her hair. Had it grown? She didn't recall it being quite that long... Well, no matter.

"I think so," she replied to the girl, voice weak and groggy. Her frown curved into a smile, but it felt more natural than usual. Was this what they called happiness? She doubted it, but even so, it felt nice. This warm sort of feeling, spreading from her toes to her fingertips to the top of her head, filling her up. The way her heart seemed to expand and glow. The beautiful girl sitting right by her, smiling down... The sunlight, rippling and making everything glitter... The birds nestled in the trees, singing their sweet melody... Was this beauty? Was this "happiness"?

Sonika sat up, and leaned on the flower's shoulder. She shut her eyes and simply inhaled her sweet scent, and that of everything around them. Listened, for once. It felt magical. A serene sort of expression covered her face.

"You seem...different."

Sonika opened her eyes, surprised by the words. Did she really? It just felt so, well, _normal_ to act like this. Maybe that was it. For once, she wasn't forcing herself to do or feel anything. She laughed softly, nuzzling Gumi's neck affectionately. "I don't know what you're talking about!"

Gumi laughed in turn, and leaned into her. It felt so warm and wonderful. So sweet. She just wanted to feel the girl's skin, feel her presence right beside her, forever. Their voices mingled and harmonized in the air, dancing around each other.

Like butterflies. Little green butterflies.

Sonika lifted her head and kissed the other. It was tender and sweet and just... Aah, how could she even put it into words? She pulled away to simply look into Gumi's eyes, which were widened in surprise. The flower's gaze then softened. She looked beautiful, without a doubt.

"You really are acting funny, but I don't mind..." Gumi whispered, smiling. "I love seeing you happy." She reached out, touching Sonika's top with small, pale hands. They grasped loosely at the fabric. "Because, y'know, I love you."

Hearing those words, her heart lifted. She felt so warmed and so... So happy. So happy that she just wanted to laugh and cry and fall back into the soft grass. Because... She loved Gumi too! She loved her completely, more than she had ever loved anyone else prior. More than anything. Looking into the girl's eyes, seeing her smile, hearing her perfect little laugh. She adored it, all of it. With all of her heart.

Sonika took Gumi's hands. She took them and intertwined them with hers, and kissed the girl's slender fingers. Soundlessly, voicelessly promising forever.

Aah, when had she gotten to be so cheesy?


End file.
